God's babe hweelin

end of chapter 2008

2008-12-19T07:58:00.003+08:00

ohhhhh~ my previous blog was on august 15, even before the school year started.. and guess what.. Today I am done with this semester! wooohooooo!!!! ^^ Hmmm... just a few more days and it will be my one year anniversary in USA.. Time flies, people change, things have changed too. It has been a nostalgic year for me.

Today i managed to "meet up" with my ex god brother collin.. He was absent from my life for about 6 years.. and I could only say meeting up again with him really brings back lots and lots of memories, even almost tears in my eyes.

This year has been relatively much harder for me. I used to wonder why have adults so many problems, and why are they always troubled by so many things of this world. They should just chill and be like us kids, relax and enjoy life. But I think I've grown up as well, cause i am starting to worry a lot about stuff that only adults would; like where to live, where to get money, food and stuff...

Life for me is like a pilgrimage. I feel like I am not done yet, this is not where I belonged; therefore the things that I do, I do because of obligation. for example, I go to school, do church stuff, go to meetings, because i have to not because i wanted to. I guess i refused to live in the present. it is too harsh. I always look back to the pass, and keep reminisce on the "good" things when i was in high school and stuff.

back to the ex brother Collin, meeting him once again remind me that I have to wake up from my dream. I know that he is not the collin I used to call brother anymore. He has his own life now, and it is without me. No matter what I do; telling him how was our pass and stuff, it just won't work out. That's because those are PASS, it won't happen again. I won't be THAT "spiritual", THAT "smart", THAT "slim", THAT "popular" or whatever again. Thinking about how i used to be "good" won't bring me anywhere. I need to live in the present. (oh ya in psychology we call living in the present and enjoying it as "mindfulness" ^^).

Yea, it's time to go home, and realise that my home isn't the same anymore as well. I have been imagining how good it is to be home; definitely with good food, good sleep, good shopping, good time with famlay and stuff.. But i really need to go home, so that i will realise that it is not as perfect as I've imagined. So that after doing that, I would wake up and really start living my life in US.

I am currently thinking of

raymond sim, adric ang, zhengling, philip, wei qi, sunquan, mommi, collin, sengmeng, tsehwei, teshuen, joanne, mp, dataran, cendol, aunt corina, church piano, popo, papa, grace, joey, aunt nancy, uncle william, aunt waipeng, roy, sarah shin, tina, joy, mao, eeyong, chuin pei, kahyong, teckwei, elsen, sebastian, kienleong, TAMC, HMCC, MGC, chinese calvary church, john, soocheng, mamak stall, roti canai, cendol, my house at tmn asean, kpg 8, pasar malam, facial, cut hair, o chien, satay celup, sufes, dim sum, shah alam, my maid (donno her name =.=), alan, kelvin, tony..

and none of them is still the same.. they moved on in life. Even the o chien moved on in life.

I need to move on as well.

it's gonna be 2009 soon.

very soon

MOVING ON.

Next chapter of life

2008-08-15T14:05:00.002+08:00

In conjunction with Cassandra’s comment on my previous blog, I have to write this blog. I have to say that I felt really ashamed that I was being so faithless in God. I mean I was like a ship toasted in the ocean, waving back and forth without really holding on to Jesus as my Savior and Anchor. But I did understand as well that life as a Christian is not always easy and smooth; it is bound to have ups and downs. Therefore, during those times when I was going through the valley of life, I chose to
blog too instead of covering it up and only blog about the nice things in life. And I would say that I am really glad that God helped me out and up again!! He led me out of the depression mode and filled my heart with joy. Though I am sure that I will not always be in this joyful season of my life, but I hope that I will learn to trust in God’s faithfulness, presence and love for me and not to be led by my emotions and feelings.

Recently I felt in love with going to church, going to meet God and his people. Even like I am heading to Florida tomorrow for Disney World (yes, I am), I feel kinda dilemma because I will miss going to church this weekend and also International OCR (an event where our church welcomes incoming international students to our campus).

I am currently living in my friend’s apartment living room because I am supposed to move in my new place on 24th August, so am temporarily homeless (well, I am already used to the feeling of homelessness and my next house is gonna be my 4th house in these 8 months.)

I had been pretty busy lately with attending church meetings, renovating my new church building, helping people to move out, working out and stuffs. That’s why I have been sleeping for 12-14 hours per day for almost a week. I really passed out. It is quite impressive right? ^^ So, I learnt how to speckle, sand, wash and paint the walls, wash brushes (got special technique one! XP), and so on! It was really a nice experience! Next time I can renovate my own house =).it’s a pure joy to see the transformation of the building; from ugly walls to like white washed walls after u speckle, primer, and paint them; they look really, really fabulous! And you know that u took part in doing that! That’s why even though I was really tired, I still chose to go to help renovating the church!

Also, I was working out for about 40 minutes per day, running or swimming, or sometimes both. There is a ministry in my church called “finishing line” where we will gather to run together with other Christians. So I was running with 2 “slave drivers” called loo soon yi and bobby. These two guys literally used all techniques to “drive” me to run without stopping; conning me with water or pleasant mental images such as cold cup of fruit juice, words of encouragement, challenges, etc. It was nice. I know that my stamina and perseverance really improved. Trainings that I thought were too much or impossible were accomplish much easier now (like running for 3.5 miles). It I really thank God for this opportunity to train myself physically; he placed people around me to help me work out so that I wouldn’t be too fat, too lazy, and too unhealthy. My heavenly dad is so good!!!

Arh it’s so late now, guess I am gonna get going to do my QT and sleep!

Oh ya, I wanna thank God also for my LCG partner Sarah too! (LCG is a group where u partner up with another person to keep each other accountable in spiritual life) She is such a good counselor and encourager to me! Sarah is a Korean girl from Malaysia, but I like to tease her that she is a Malaysian girl from Korea. Whatever it is, these people are really God-sent messengers to pick me up running the race of faith again! God is faithful! Even when I don’t see it, he is. Oh ya, I have successfully rented out two of my rooms!! I really thank God for providing people! If he doesn’t help, I have to pay $1800 for the lost! And I just have to say that God is faithful, he has the perfect timing, and he is great and cool! Yay!!

It's gonna be a next chapter of life as the new school year kicks off on sept 1, where I will be having most of my classes in the school of engineering (yes, i am admitted this Fall as a engineering student!). I will be traveling by bus to school, and my new house will gonna be in a living room with two other graduate students in the rooms. slowly, most of the international friends would be coming back from their respective countries!

I am excited now for the new year! =)

arh i hate life!!!! hate it hate it hate it!!!

2008-05-28T07:33:00.003+08:00

ooohhh, it's been 8 months again since i last came! Time really flies. Gosh i feel so out of no where now! I hate life now; i've been thinking, if this is the life that i'm gonna lead, it's better if i just die now. I hate living now. I am so out of semangat already. I hate life. it's boring. I have lost the smile.

So many stuff in my mind, I know so much of spiritual knowledge. I have been steady and passionate for christ. I have been a faithful leader leading and serving God in the church though no one is there. I stood faithfully. I was the pianist, i was the youth leader, and any ministry that u can think of in church i was in it. It wasnt about serving or ministry, yes, I did love God with all my heart. I wanted to serve him becos I believe in him so much, that he is the only reason to live, and he is the only way, truth and life. Evrytime after prayer, i can feel the peace of God. Yeap, so true, and the presence of the holy spirit. But now, I feel so dead. Yea, and life is just plain boredom. Even if i seek God, I don't really feel anything. NO passion, no fire, no faith. everything seems so meaningless.

I used to be good in study, oh ya people would say that I am not smart, but at least i am good in studying or memorizing. But now i feel like a zombie! I couldn't remember even the last words people have spoken to me. The dancing steps, the things I have studied. I feel so insecure. I couldn't do anything. Yes, nothing i could do. I am so hopeless, tired, and lack of confidence. Yes, The only word i see now is TIRED! I am so restless. i still feel tired regardless of how much i have slept. crab. I lost my smile, i lost my peace, i lost my passion, i lost my meaning of life, i lost my God, I lost my memory, i lost myself,i lost my intelligence, i lost my slim leg and okok-but-not-so-slim body! i lost everything! I lost my family (not exactly but i miss em, haha!), i lost malaysia! I have lost the praises to God, I have lost the faith! I have lost the beat!! I've lost the hweelin who doesnt have any trouble bothering her! the one who trust in God and believe with simple faith in God. I used to be so happy and peaceful. Is this the cost of being an adult? The cost of staying in a foreign land? Then maybe i shouldn't grow up. MAybe i shouldnt come to the states in the first place.

Well, ignore me dudes. I am just whining.

life!! come back to me again!!!!!

Jesus Son of David Have Mercy On ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pick me up! I know you are faithful. Maybe one year later as i visit here again, I would defintely look back and praise Ur holy name. Sorry Jesus, I am whining, This is the only thing i can give now, as wretched and a worm as I am. But may ur name be glorified.

-no longer a warrior, but still a princess of God-
Hwee Lin Tan

hihihi so happy to be here again!!

2007-10-17T00:14:00.000+08:00

woh! seriously long never blog at blogger d... nw using frenster to blog.. well i bumped back into blogger when i wanted to visit my fren, mao's blog.. and i realised, wao! its been one yr or more since i was last here! and its actually a wonderful thing to look back at the pass, sop nostalgic~
Lol~ looking back the previous blog i was still struggling at the cross road of life with which route to take... but here i am today, chosen the road of JPA to take up engineering and go to the states.. in previous blog i said that i'm gonna be condemned if i was forced to stay science.. well, it's more than i could imagine... not only have i remain a sc student, i have chosen to do Physics, sumthg which i could never have thought of! it's amazing how God works! i never thought tht i could get JPA!!
well, i am really like the stiff-necked israelites who always complain to God abt everything! i used to thank God alot tht he brought me this blessing of scholarhship, cus i really leanrt alot in INTEC uitm... however as days go by and i encountered hardships.. i started to complaint tht if i have not been herre i wouldnt be so stressed up and so on.. well... forgetful and ungrateful human i am..!! shouldnt be liddat o! T.T yaya repenting...
life really getting tough here cos I have changed to become someone who always want perfect marks... 100 or above 90... and its so discouraging when i couldnt get despite of the hardwork invested.. And i started to bury myself in piles of books and studies... that i literally forget that the world is still spinning.. and there's still a blue blue sky outside! until the day b4 i lead in worship, i found myself so depress tht i think i might go coo coo anytime then... then i chat with my brother thru the net and he said i have to reformat my brain.. i have neglected so many things cuz of my studies.. and life is not all abt studies.. i shouldnt chase after sumthg which at the end of the day, is sumthg found to be nothing...chase after wind in short... that made me realise alot... and i am getting better now... God encouraged me when many ppl complimented on the wonderful leading, and when he gave me a chance to encouraged anotehr brother in christ! so wonderful!
lol i dunno whether i am considered as stagnant, worsen or improved in my relationship w God... thinking much only make it confusing. Wat i could do now is just to try my best step by step to follow him as close as i could... not forcing myself to be perfect.. yapp...
dunno y i started to blog here leh... don have many frens at blogger and i wonder who wud read >.!

MYF update

2006-06-25T14:19:00.000+08:00

today our MYF lesson book finished. So when uncle william asked what are we suppose to do?? then sudenly outta no where i said everyone of us shd preach! =.= so now we wanna try out this system, where everyone is given a topic to prepare a short sharing to teach the others.. but dunno will work out o not! Hope God will lead la!
and actually during sharing time we are suppose to share what we learnt in our Qt, but these guys ah, nvr prepare. ONi me n uncle poo talked =.= mission failed!
anyway, will continue on for i believe tht God will lead!

happy day!

2006-06-21T00:20:00.000+08:00

today is my birthday!! Very happy to rcv messages from various frens to wish me! tq buddies!! However the passion of celebrating birthday has really decresed in me. Haha come to think of the pass, i would really expect my birthday like expecting my wedding! For real! And would really feel very sad over it when others dun rmb. But now ehem things tasteless n tasteless..
ehhh... i didnt get to transfer to art stream oh.. so stay science lor, study bio.. fuh~! Hem, hope everything is in God's control la, i dunno. Cos if it wasnt the approval letter for gbs came so late n made me felt so unsettle, therez a big possibility i would reappeal again in the jabatan. But today straight after i rcvd the disapproval letter i rushed to buy all those books. Really feel liek settleling down lor. Mayb therez one of how God works. Thank God thru everything i noe he will guide me!
Happy birthday to me!!!

fuh

2006-06-19T22:45:00.000+08:00

err, christians cant be in yoked with non christians rite? tht means canot be together la. N me, i really tht kinda soh soh one in terms of this kinda relationship. 1stly, if like someone leh, then will like cant concentrate in everythg, then like d leh, then tell tht someone d leh, then few days can forget ppl. This is call dig own grave n dig the grave for others. Vy charm?? Any solution to this illness of me ah?? Fuh!! So i think now i m going thru a difficult period again lor.
tht guy dun mind one haha. He just wanna strive in everythg he do, leaving me now so struggle.. but y so childish hweelin o hweelin, noeing somethg tht is impossible just let go lah, soh soh de. really soh soh de.
N.. f6 letter still havent come yet, really so charm. The whole mlc rcvd letter d except gbs. Dun really noe whatz happening. N by the time i got settled down i will surely missed lots of lessons. Anyway God will take care of it I m sure. hehe. But then gg to sch now is really a boring thing for me, cos oni go for PA n Math(which i hate alot).. N during chem really din pay attention at all.. wahhaa if forced to stay sc how could i survive?? Lol.
when can i be strong again? When can my heart be still? when can my heart store no one but God?
sorry dad

2006-06-18T13:21:00.000+08:00

today played piano terukly, the congregation sometimes sing fast sometimes slow.. i also pening~ fuh~ i also played vy terukly la, sure vy distracting. N today i has spaghetti as my lunch! my fav! :) fuh nice~
tmr gg sch again.. haiz.. shd be happy isnt it?? yea.. But dunno.. feel vy tired ohh... football, maths, and alot alot stuffs more to do..
what m i crapping here??
haha.. i wanna be victorious in God.. sometimes in the path of life really stopped by n saw something nice n interesting..such as a nice guy, sins tht seemed so attractive, but noe tht Goddun take delight in it.. so pass it by.. Therez some regret, mayb alot.. But ultimately i noe that the Lord prepares for me the Best... just continue to move on..

2006-06-15T20:07:00.000+08:00

got a chance to get to noe this fren of mine, he regards himself as devil... actually when i chat to him Lord to admit that i faith really shaky, and Lord i just wanna say sorry n to ask u to strengthen my faith. Strengthen it. Itz needless to doubt abt God, cos i have doubted him so many times, whether he is a true o false God. But again n again i came to tht conclusion tht he is true, so y doubt?? the process is alwiz sad when i doubt him. Lord if this guy is for u, u win him over. NO matther whatz the doubt in his heart, win him over to be ur prince, ur son. And tell him tht u love him too, cos it seems that he really dunno. Like me, sometimes also dunno Dad that u love me so much leh.
and i still nvr got to swtich to arts. Itz like half way hanging leh, vy susah. I have no heart to learn bt sc, esp chemistry, it makes me sick. And i also nvr gotta chance to study abt arts subj, so itz like hanging on the air. Whatever it is, i choose to believe that God is guiding me. Remember Lord, i just wanna live with u, if i ever stray, ur love pulls me back yeap?

Prayer item

2006-06-10T09:42:00.000+08:00

hey to u who are reading this ,prayer are kindly requested from you.
We had somehow felt that the Lord is leading us to start a chinese congregation here in TAMC (Taman Asean methodist church), our church. But we are still in the process of searching n listening to the heartbeat of God. As there are limitation in sense of man power, but we believe tht if God wills to accomplish this, nothing is so big a problem in His eyes. But still we need to be affirmed that He is with us, and the best timing to carry out His work. So please do pray along with us, for we wanna c God's glory lifted high. And if u do pray along with us, U are too participating in expending the Kingdom of God! Thz n God bless!

And just to update with u guys the worries i stated in the previous post, and also to praise God, last friday things went on perfectly well! The Lord just brought us together, the youths as well as some of the adults and we had a great time outing in the mall! LOL. And according to lawrence chin kah tong, me as the president nonid to jaga the young ppl, i just need to pray for them, n get the youths to pray together, for prayer is powerful, it touches the heart of God! So Lord continue to use us young ppl to expend ur kingdom, we have much energy for u if u lead.

important to have friends

2006-06-10T09:23:00.000+08:00

as i was still pondering upon the significance of God in my life, i came across this email, and found it just fit to put His name in it. here it goes:

once in a lifetime you find a friend

who touches not only your heart

but also you soul

once in a lifetime you discover someone

who stands not only over you

but beside you

once in a lifetime if you are blessed

you find someone

as i have found you!

very special people we can be ourselves with

talk with, laugh with,

hope with, and believe with......

jesus you're my best friend!

His love found me when i am weak

2006-06-09T09:56:00.000+08:00

As written in my previous post, life has been hard for me in searching for God. I so called myself a christian but seemed like there was an emptiness in me that should be filled up by the presence of God in my heart. I was searching n searching, i dun dared to say tht i search but couldnt find him. Was angry, frustrated, sad, and down.

As i was worshipping GOd last night, the Lord spoke to my heart, " hweelin, stop wondering in the desert. Stop doubting about my love for u, stop doubting. This will be the last moment u give up. U need to stand up and walk again." Yea this will be the last time, i wanna stand up again. Life without God is so miserable, i couldn't stand wihout Him. It's utterly meaningless, suffering, and without purpose n light!So what abt getting 4 flat in STPM? getting into U and graduate with extremely good result? getting a high paid job and have 5C like everyone wanted? It wud be meaningless without God in it. If I do all these wihout God's favour on me, my heart wil die. If only i do all these with God's approval n presence, it would flourish n bear fruits.

It striked my heart dearly how much it is God's pleasure to give good things to His children. I tend to think that God is stingy and likes to withhold good things from His people n likes to test n train his ppl all the time. But far from my mentality tht he is actually a God who LOVES to give good things to His ppl. For every test, every training is to mould us to be someone better, for the good of us. For He promised that He knows the plan He has for us; plan to prosper us and not to harm us, plan to give us hope n a future. So whatever lies in future we can be ensured that if we walk in step with Him in obedience, everything suppose to be the best planned for us.

And how easy it is to live! Just live according to what God says. LOL. Jesus came to the world but he didnt do things according to his will but the father's will. He didnt say, " come let us have a revival meeting and build a big church here!" It has been a burden for me concerning my MYF and d ministry i'm in. When I see that things around aint growing the way it SUPPOSE to grow, my heart grow weary, and blamed myself for it. I've much forgotten that I should only do what GOD ASKS OF ME.
I need to remember that everything is supposed to be d0ne outta INTIMACY with God. Wihout God the builder strived in vain.

Sometimes I just wonder why that tho i am a christian,I cant sense God's presence, no strength to do anything, no revelation for ministry, nothing's happening, nothing. Evrything seems so untouched and unfruitful. But guess the L0rd wanna bring me to a place of bankruptcy n brokenness, where I would go back to him and say, " DAd i cant do this, I am just too tired!" And i guess he wud say" I know, daddy's girl, I've been waiting for u to tell me."

And one thing that i really need to get it right; that God loves me for who i am, not becos of the things i could do for him. Not like we humans who sometimes love ppl cos of outward performance o physical appearance, thus had led us to thinking that we need to perform well to gain love fr others, including God. Frankly, I just cant comprehend the philio-love of the Father, when he just long to be with us, his children, just 2 love our presence. To see see us around would be His pleasure. He would enjoy hugging us and tell us how much he love us, his precious sons n daughters. ooo syoknya. LOL..

i really dun wish to be a spiritual orphan, who lacks of the love of the Father. i duwan to noe just the POWER of the LOrd wihout knowing His HEARTBEAT and LOVE. JOHN 14:18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.the Lord promised that He will come to us when we draw near to him JAMES 4:8,10 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you doubled-minded. Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up.

Lots of times what God wants from me is just humility, to seek His face and to have a servanthood heart tht flows outta complete willingness and love towards him.

For we are now sons n daughters of God, live like a prince and a princess, not a spiritual popper. And we could never preach God's love without preaching Jesus, cause he is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except thru him.

So, come. Come daily to His throne of grace, to bring b4 him our weaknesses, and to confess our sins.

For HIS love found me when i am weak.

tired

2006-06-07T20:14:00.000+08:00

i search God... And search... wherez he??? I can't feel His presence.. I am tired of searching. tired of everything. Y downheart oh my soul? the Lord is my refuge and song, he is my ever present help in times of trouble.

come holy spirit fall on me now

2006-06-06T20:54:00.000+08:00

Come Holy Spirit fall on me now
I need Your anointing
Come in Your power
I love You Holy Spirit
You’re captivating my soul
And everyday I grow to love You more

I’m reaching for Your heart
You hold my life in Your hand
Drawing me closer to You
I feel Your power renew
Nothing compares to this place
Where I can see You face to faceI worship You in spirit and in truth

rainy gloomy day

2006-06-06T19:06:00.000+08:00

aiyo today drove so dangerously. Thank God i m still alive n safe. Today went to c the MHS priciple to transfer sch, really vy unsettle bt form 6 thingy now. But pray that the Lord will lead the way.

emotional nite, bye ko n mei

2006-06-06T02:19:00.000+08:00

today very sad, sad till woke up n blog..y sad?? shd say emotional.. my koko like my mei mei wor. i terepit at centre. Actually very hurt lor, how to say? Its like they both so close d mah, y i wanna be tiang lampu. And when we chat together they chat privately pulak. Come t0 think of it, since last time i face this kinda problem. Primary sch best fren like tht. secondary sch best fren also like tht, she was the most beautiful gal in sch. One of my fren paktoh with her, i tot he wanted to kacau her, i chased him away sumore. Actually i was the tiang lampu again. SAd case. Y alwiz like tht de leh. Hey i m 18! Y think like small kid??? Since last time my best frens all leng luis leh, so many of my frenz tend to c them n not me. Like i m invisible de. Watch princess' diary? just exactly like her. LOL. Need God's grace to recover self esteem then. Lots of stories.
and how abt this friday?? i really dunno how to bring on the atmosphere. This job belongs to grace n roy. They noe more. really useless la me. aiks. but yeah i will love my youth group. Even it will takes my tears to love them. BUt how??

youth group

2006-06-05T19:17:00.001+08:00

it's not easy as president of a youth group.. really stressful.. Dunno what the Lord is doing, even when I am unfaithful, not praying for them, not on fire for MYF and not zealous for God or stay close with him. Moreover, i m not extroverted that kind of ppl, i really dunno how to bring those youths together, to make them closer. Even when i wanna bring them out to play, i also dunno how to do it. I m afraid that i wud make them bored. Really dunno what to do d. So hard.